I Freaked Out and Couldn’t Write for Two Weeks

Whew, what a headline. I couldn’t come up with any thing else plus this perfectly explains what I’m trying to say (write?).

So, it’s been two weeks…two weeks?!…since I wrote on here and I’m so disappointed in myself for freaking out and (almost) backing out again. The thoughts of having to put out (good) content, writing here, getting notifications (yes) and so on was just too much for me and I freaked out. Anxiety is a bitch and I’m trying my hardest to fight her.

If it wasn’t for one of my best friends who texted me yesterday, I guess I wouldn’t be here writing this. I guess I needed a (friendly) reminder and a little push to just keep going, no matter what happens. And seriously? Why the hell am (was) I freaking out so much? I just can’t understand this.

I can’t understand why or what I’m afraid of. I had to ask myself after Kosi (my friend who reminded me) texted me yesterday. Is it failure? How exactly am I going to fail…at blogging on wordpress.com? Yooo, I laughed hard at the question but I’m serious.

I’ve already taken the first step in starting the blog, which was starting it. I’ve written about five posts so far, something I don’t think two years ago me or three months ago me could have accomplished.

Last year, starting this blog (again) was one of my goals for this year. I didn’t do anything about it until November, two months before the month ends. Five posts in, I had to freak out. I was scared, I was so nervous and anxious. I didn’t want to fail and instead of ignoring all those negative thoughts, I payed attention to them, fueled them and gave in. I stopped writing and couldn’t care less.

“There are so many blogs and writers in the world already, what did mine matter?” I abandoned my baby and took to twitter to forget my misery and twitter being the best drug ever, made me forget, until Kosi texted yesterday and I’d be forever, ever grateful that she did. I hope everyone has a friend like Kosi in their lives.

Oh and Kosi didn’t get to do all the work though (don’t let your head grow too big, hehe). My favorite Medium author Ayodeji Ayosika helped too. I just got his recent article in my email this evening and had to read it and as always, he never fails to inspire or motivate anyone with his words.

In this article, he said; Here’s your new motto in life.

“Screw it, let’s see what happens.”

Ayodeji Ayosika

And honestly, sameee. The first time I started this blog, back in 2014 (15?) I wasn’t thinking;

  • “What would anybody say?”
  • “What if I fail?”
  • “What if my writing is bad?”
  • “What if they laugh at me?”

No, I didn’t have any of these thoughts. I just wanted to express myself on this mysterious side of the internet and I did that and I’m going to keep doing it.

Yeah, I’m still going to have negative thoughts as always, who doesn’t? But, I won’t let them get to me anymore and if I am not strong enough to fight them off, I’m glad I have someone like Kosi to be there to help.

So, from now on, it’s screw it! while paying attention to my mental and physical health of course. Lol.

P.S. I think the headline should have been “Thank you for being a beautiful friend Kosi” Or ” Damn, Anxiety is a Bitch” I don’t know, I think I like the present one better. It sums up the entire post, don’t you think? If you’ve been here before, you’d notice I changed the blog theme too. I’d stick with this one for a while.

On a side note, I still don’t know what plans I have for this blog but I like to think it as a personal lifestyle sort. Let’s just see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.

Have a nice day! ❤


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