No, I Do Not Have My Shit Together

Cover image by Joana on Instagram.

I didn’t know how to start this post because I have been thinking about it for a while. I actually meant to make a comeback post late January this year but school got in the way and I just forgot about it (an excuse I’m desperately relying on). Again, around March, I wanted to make another post. I’d written the draft in my notebook but I didn’t post it. Why? Well, because I didn’t. I honestly have no valid excuse for not posting in such a long time except that I just haven’t been feeling good.

The entire months since I have been away haven’t been that bad; I’ve had happy moments too which I appreciate but I regret letting the bad ones have control over me for so long. All my worries and anxiety have kept me back from not only posting a new blog post but from doing other things too and so, this is what my life has been like since my last post. There’s been no much change except that most of the tv content I consume now is Asian and I am currently on an internship program.

November – December

 After my last post, which was supposedly on the 5th of November, I dived into the world of job hunting, to make money. A few times, I was lucky. I managed to get 3 responses out of the many applications I sent. It was also funny because I’d never applied for a job in all of my life but it’s ironic what you can make up on a CV when you’re desperate.

Out of the two I managed to get a reply from, I could only make it in one. It was fine, a job is a job I suppose. In my time job hunting, I learned a few new things. I’d like to make a post on it sometime, so here’s something to look forward to, haha. That one job gave me some kind of stability but only for a limited time because it didn’t last. On December 1st, I decided to check out dramas I had been meaning to since August (wifi came back lol) and that is how I found myself in a whole new world.

So, throughout December, I only existed in that surreal world. I forgot everything about the real world, except the job. Since it was an online job that mostly operated in the night due to time differences, it was no problem. I binged dramas during the day and worked at night, life felt…alright for a while.

January – February

School was about to kick off again and anxiety finally set in but it was okay because I had something bringing in money for me so I thought everything was going to be fine. I had stopped binging dramas in the meantime because all that screen time ruined my eyes. I have always bragged about how perfect my vision is but life really does like to humble you sometimes. Your girl now wears glasses and she probably would for the rest of her life because these dramas are sooo good. So, with school about to kick in and with me no longer avoiding reality with dramas, the anxiety was getting a hold of me but the thought I had somewhat of a job kept me together.

One week before school resumption, I lost my job. I was torn between crying and laughing. Since the company isn’t based in Nigeria and because it was online, connection issues were a problem. It was sad but there was nothing our Nigerian recruiters could do so they laid us off. For my first job (which wasn’t professional) it was fun but also weird and unethical in some way (more on this later). You can’t imagine how bad my anxiety got. I started obsessing over looking for another job to make money before school. As I couldn’t find a job before school started, I took the job hunting with me and continued there.

While in school, lecturers were trying to make up for all the classes we’d missed because of Covid, people’s mental health was declining. I didn’t really feel mine decline because all I could think about was making money for the new stationaries I needed for my project. So to say, our project was due in less than a month. I left the job hunting for a while to focus on it but I didn’t have the stationaries I needed and my friends were borrowing other people’s own. I also borrowed from a friend but since it wasn’t mine…

Let’s just say I didn’t do so well in my project and after my breakdown, I started wishing I’d fail the course. Failing the course means staying an extra year in school and not graduating with your classmates. I have thought it over and I have accepted that it would be better to fail the course so I can get it right next time. I did so poorly and I don’t want to get a pass mark for it. My friends have told me to not think in that way but I am being realistic here. I don’t want to console myself with the fact that other people were also affected by the short time we were given because I know that if I wanted to do well, I’d have risked my mental health to do so or stolen money to buy the required stationaries ( I mean, no excuses right?)

With our projects done, we weren’t given any time to rest. We started our exams the next day and so if your defense was bad, you could only cry about it for like 5 minutes and read for the two papers we had the next day. Yep, for the rest of the week after our projects, we had two exams back to back except for one day. To say it was horrible is an understatement. I couldn’t even breakdown because it was hard to believe that it was happening to me.

My friends weren’t also left out. We only had each other and could do little to console ourselves. All the plans we had of making up for the lost times we spent at home were thrown to the wind because school had us by our necks. Late January to ending of February has been the most traumatizing time for me this year.

March – April

Our exams continued into March. We finished in the 2nd week but still had no time to rest. We had clearances and assignments to do. At this point, I was ready to die. I couldn’t understand what all the stress was about and for what? I was at my limit, and so were my friends. One of them fell sick and another one had so much going on she didn’t know what to do.

After I was done with my clearance and assignments, I called my dad to help me look for a firm where I could do my internship program. It’s mandatory for 3rd-year students in my department to intern at firms in their 2^nd semester. I’d tried looking for firms before COVID hit but had no luck. Since I had no time left, I turned to my dad. He found me a firm but it was at home and I didn’t want to be home. I was going to do chores and not have time for myself. With all the things I’d been through the earlier semester, time for myself was my most needed therapy but that wasn’t going to happen.

So, I reluctantly packed my stuff and went home, resting for only 3 days before starting my internship on the 24th of March. I get to work by 8am and return by 5pm. I get home tired but I have to do chores. On some days, when my brain is more tired than my body, I’d get into arguments with my mom over chores left unattended. From late March to April, I was trying to settle in the job and learn a few things but my mind was all over the place because I was trying to catch up on other things as well so I haven’t been much productive with the job.

May-June

With no set routine, my life has been the same since I started my IT. There wasn’t much I was doing at home after work except read a book or watch a drama or work on something I couldn’t finish in the office. I was fine with how everything was and had even drafted a new post on my notebook while I was on site but I didn’t get to type it out and post. I was still obsessing over how to earn money outside of my IT that paid so little and was also trying to improve on a few skills that could help my life. I couldn’t focus on any particular thing and it led to developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. Binging shows and binge eating junk food was my outlet and I didn’t see myself stopping any time. The knowledge of starting my final year after the IT program led me to even developing worse habits to cope.

I turned 21 in May and it was sort of a wake-up call for me. While there isn’t much to show for it, I am slowly trying to get back on my feet and start taking things easy. I have reduced the way I binge shows to cope. Kidnapping cases have increased in some parts of the country and I am always on the edge when I am going to work or coming back because I am so scared. I am trying my hardest at this point not to slip back into auto-pilot and depend on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

On some days, I want to give up living with intention and go on auto-pilot but the thought of still being like this (confused and uncertain) in years to come haunts me. I know you can never have life all figured out but that doesn’t mean you should try to let it be when things aren’t alright. I slip into my old unhealthy coping habits some days but as a friend once told me “because you’re always picking yourself back up, you’d eventually get there” I find myself starting all over again. I have decided it doesn’t matter how many times I start over, reaching a particular point where I’d be content and happy with who I am would be much satisfying. There’s also a quote I saw somewhere that goes like this “don’t let that slip become a slide” and I find it comforting.

July

The first few weeks of July have been somewhat good. I am still trying to take things easy as I constantly find myself tempted every now and then. I am starting to learn to not take my slips/mistakes as my identity. It is said that unlearning years of something you’ve been used to your entire life can take some time which is true. I cannot grow and improve myself in just a span of a few months when it took me this short lifetime to accumulate these behaviours. Patience with myself is the theme of this not-so-new journey. Life will always be uncertain, whether I like it or not, I may as well start to do things I have always wanted to while I still can.

Instagram reels are my new addiction now, sigh. I wish I didn’t update the app and have a choice of disabling it but I don’t. Instagram is my source of inspiration for photographic content and I am trying to stop myself from subconsciously tapping that Reel button. It’s really unfair they put it there knowing how accessible it is to many people. Sources say that Instagram is trying to be more like tik-tok. It’s frightening because I want to start taking my photography hobby seriously and Instagram is the only photo-sharing app that can connect me with like-minded people. I am not worrying over it though like I probably would if I weren’t trying to grow. Problem no dey finish as we say over here.

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I am trying to learn how to focus on one thing at a time and see where I’d get from there. Also, is it weird that the first few months of quarantine were the best time of my life so far since I was 14? I have been trying so desperately to feel like I was back then and one thing I realized that made a huge difference was that for once in so long, it didn’t feel like the world stopped, it actually did and a lot of pressure and expectations were lifted off my shoulders. I think that’s why I felt so content and at peace back then. I don’t know if it was the same for other people but I really don’t regret how I spent my time back then. How I felt during those times is how I am trying to be right now.

I don’t have any concrete plans for the blog at the moment because of my internship program. I tend to write long posts, sorry if this was too long. If you know any publication or magazine looking for a writer, that would be great lol. I’m trying to establish a routine for myself that will also include being consistent on the blog but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll let you guys know. I felt like I ghosted sweet people here and I actually thought I’d be back with good news as compensation but life can be trying. Just because it is doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do the things I can manage to do.

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I hope you all have been well and have lived better than I have these past months. If you haven’t, hang in there. I can’t promise you it will get any better but I can say for sure you’d get used to it and become stronger. Well, I do not have my shit together and I probably won’t for a while but I can start to take things slow as I try to figure things out and see where it gets me. I feel that if everyone had their shit together, we wouldn’t have traumatized adults posing as parents and the world would be a much better place.

Thanks for reading.

Also, thank you for over 300 followers! If you’re a new follower, thank you so much for following me. I am so sorry for not being active. I don’t even know if I’d be active yet so I can’t make any promises but thank you, thank you!

As always, be safe.

Have a lovely weekend.